I'm Trying To Connect To You

Family

Junnie & Lily

Really artistically taken picture with Jun

An-Dong-Ni

J.E crew that managed to pull through the recent 'LOVE VOLGOGRAD' charity concert

It’s true that those who made deep impacts in my life have no idea about it; I don’t go around thanking them from time to time, as this would only fabricate appreciation to something less sincere and below genuine. Same goes to friends when they thank me, it’s an involuntary gesture and perhaps to show courtesy when I [somehow] do good things to people, but for the simplest of things to a close friend… I really do not need any sort of thanking or whatsoever. It only applies to acquaintances or simple friends who have not yet reached any deeper relationship with me. Or else it will only appear to be phony and dupe, sadly that is how I view things. 

Sometimes I fall in love, literally to the people around me. I guess this is what you call as mutual love towards a close friend despite whether male or female. It applies to both, the nice warm feeling when you can actually rely on them; but it often feels nicer when you know that they too… can rely on you. Honestly I do not get that very often, in fact I do not at all. Sometimes I view myself as the problematic one, the one with all the unnecessary gibberish exceed thinking that causes self abusive drama that at times, I find myself creating problems to people around me. I am grievingly apologizing on behalf of my alter ego as I speak. Only recently I feel so trusted and that is ultimately the best feeling ever, when a friend trusts you with his/her thoughts and sharing. I’m not demanding for people to do that, but for once… I feel like I am actually not creating problem for people and literally lending a shoulder. 

It’s a nice feeling to be trusted really.

Like all things, I like it when there is a balance to it. A reciprocated center point when two meets, it doesn’t have to be a tensed conversation over iMessage or a string of questions bombarding the other partner that all together makes everyone awkward and uneasy. I am cognizant that I have social issues when it comes to connecting with people of different circles; I obligate myself to change at times. Stepping out into others’ interest, perhaps that would make things easier to maintain a decent mutual friendship? No joke that I loathe to be attached to cyber, virtual chatting because I cannot really observe what and how the other person is feeling or doing while chatting. It lacks the touch of sincerity and truth and not everyone relish the invention of Skype. 

A typical reply for me over a text or instant message will be either “Anything important, please call me” or “Skype”.

I did not realize how much of a boring person I am until friends abroad from me tell me that it’s hard to have a decent conversation with me because I’m either not interested in what they say, or I could not afford to chat with them online due to the somehow ‘uninteresting’ replies I give them, or simply just because I never bother to make the first move to approach them. Since when did connecting become so difficult over the period of time? I sincerely want to have a decent conversation but everytime I thought of the fact that it might bore the person, I retrieved my fingers from texting over my iPhone or keyboard. Maybe this quote applies: 

“Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand.”

Letting Go Is Never Easy

It’s not a big deal that people leave right? I’m 20 soon to be 21, which means I’m at the peak of understanding almost all that is to be about being an adolescent who has been dealing with a constant battle with my self altered ego or imaginary bipolar that I think I have. We’ve gone through it over and over again whether it comes to a close friend, a decent senior or a partner. I never said that it’s easy to let go of a relationship we built with people; in fact it’s painful, staggering and hurtful. You are constantly paranoid of letting the person go because you’re afraid that they’ll move on faster than you, and all you have is nothing but a rage of emotional conflicts that are all so abusive and distressing. You start to react in ways your mind can’t even control, which only provoke this present scarred relationship you’re having with this person. It has already broken but subconsciously you stress yourself too much still gasping to fix it but despairingly all the striving only results to a ramification of eruptions. You fail to put trust in them even though you convinced them that you’re fine and are willing to continue this journey despite all outcomes. You convinced them with a handful of so-called friends that you risk your trust on knowing that by the end of the day they might be worth nothing. It takes sacrifices, despite the fact that it may seem unfair to you. You utter to yourself “Why am I the one bearing all the unnecessary sting?” Well, just suck it up. There’s no point being stubborn like a spoilt brat wanting everything like an immature child, it’s time to grow up whether you like it or not. 

This post should not end in such matter, but I just have the urge to spurge it out because I know how painful it is to loose people. In fact, I’m still struggling with it. Pondering what will happen if things gone to fade between so-and-so and me? Hence, hold on to those whom you care.

Please Be A Constant Reminder

Dear God, I Miss You During Easter

Easter cake sold only during the week of Easter

A quote from a friend's wall 

Good things about Easter, the flocks of people queuing up for Easter cake; and not forgetting to emphasize that the ones with dried apricot and cottage cheese tastes best. I had two this year, one from a classmate and another from a close senior. 

If I have the chance to write a letter to God, it would sound something like this. Yes, the type of letter with my economical 80 cents ink pen over a classic piece of A4 paper with maybe dabs of my personal doodling here and there just to make it appear to be idiosyncratic and unique in a sense.

I wouldn’t want to begin by thanking You for all that You’ve done because I know that I will eventually take for granted at things and not be sufficiently grateful for all that I have. We’re always taught to be grateful or to feel sinful when it comes to prayers, maybe ‘we’ shouldn’t be use in this context as I am solidly referring to myself. My regular prayers often begin with a list of things I demand shamelessly, maybe be appreciative with one or two things that I clearly don’t mean them truly as I repeat this list for every single prayer. Finally I end it with asking for forgiveness, which always… is always… the shortest period. Merely a few seconds because honestly I often feel guilty about the mistakes that I tend to make consciously or subconsciously. As if I’m constantly covering my face with a veil written ‘shame’ and ‘guilt’ all over it.

Which makes me think twice, if I know that my prayers to You aren’t as genuine and sincere as it has to be; why do I even bother to do it so often? It has become a habit more of an obligation that we must pray to You almost every single day, and since young my definition of a prayer happened to be judged according to its length whether it’s spent with half the time wandering elsewhere to another planet in the midst of prayer or thinking about that am I going to do tomorrow (while praying). I am reprehensively admitting that.

I wish I could have those regular conversations where both of us are comfortable. Even with real human, I find myself facing this extensive awkwardness and invincible shield especially when they’re strangers or acquaintances; what more to say You? You exist, I know You do… but I felt that I’ve lost touch with You recently. You’ve brought me well throughout these recent years, especially upon my arrival in this foreign land of Volgograd, Russia. I can finally feel your presence. You gave me hardships; challenges and obstacles that You’re sure of I can take them into my own hands. They’ve been amazing great testimonials to many others.

But lately, I’ve grown weak and frail. You dumped to me with such misfortune, distress so hard that I still can’t forget. Yes, in the middle you’ve gave me something in return; you’ve given me some real friends and fixed a lost friendship. But still, I am too delicate and afraid to regain the trust and faith I have in You. I’m paranoid that every time I lay my complete trust and faith in You, something will eventually turn out wrong. I cannot face the disappointment any longer because I can’t bear to think that You have betrayed my trust and faith. I am only human desperate for Your help, but this relationship of rocky roads can sometimes bring me down to the core that I won’t deny of hating You.

So please God, will You give me another chance because I have missed You so badly?

Again... Again

The hardest thing to do, is when a good friend of yours pats you on the back asking whether are you upset at him over something that you overthink too much, you replied sternly ‘no’ because you know that you’re overthinking too much and expecting too much from people.

Insomnia

Drawing out some problems

That may be, or may not be be me in the late 30s

It's been a while since I took hold of my pen and; pencil and dose off onto the surface of smooth textiles paper. I seemed to miss out a lot of drawing, other than jotting notes, scribbling chemical structures, Biochemistry reaction cycles yadda yadda yadda… that requires the motion of stationaries. 

Distressed as it may seemed, I wonder too much and the anxiety somehow is killing me; I just could not help it but to overthink and overreact and over judged most of the things. Abusive way of perfectionism leads me to parlous insomnia. Cartons of milk do not seem to work; pretentious reading stacks of tedious lecture notes either, or even the regular marathon applications on my iPhone. I took up daily jogging, thinking that it might rest my mind a bit, but somehow I still… have my biological clock to ring me up way earlier than expected. 

You may think that it’s a good until physically you get all exhausted and wearied but you’re doomed in a state where you can’t have a proper sleep. 

It’s like hell. 

Decisions made; decisions changed; decisions uncertain. Sometimes I wonder whether am I making the correct decision or not because it is not like a geometric graph that goes on simultaneously. It depends on changes while making decisions, and I’m afraid that a sudden change might cost me years of regret while making it in the first place.

Change. Betwixt & Between

Snapped during my jogging sessions

I used to be afraid of changes, a couple of years I used to tell some of my friends how much I loathe changes. Change can alter a friendship with a true friend, it fades away the trust and faith, and it’s a challenge that no one will ever triumph over because not everyone is as adaptive as an amphibian, which is able to live both on land and water. 

Humans are vulnerable, well I am vulnerable; hence I hate changes. I like how things are at the past's present time when I monotonously utter to myself on this dislike feeling towards changes. You tend to worry about loosing those whom you hold onto due to changes because you are always doubting and hesitating about the outcome in the future. Your steps gyrate non-stop statically agonizing that you are bound to fail, as life gets harder as the years passed. You kept on pondering on how are you going to settle down without the handful of friends that you grabbed on so tightly at the present moment. I can think of all the reasons why I hate changes in the past, if you're like me... a total pessimist. 

Betwixt and between, changes are actually both good and bad. I didn't realize it until these recent months. You might be loosing some friends along the way as everyone takes their path separately; but at the same time you may end up with better friends, true friends. Or if you're lucky, a miracle might even occur and you'll earn back a friend who you lost to due to your immaturity. It changes one's personality whether you realized it or not, some for the better though not all. 

Change obliged you to ditch the tenacious immature adolescence within you and forces you and telling you that it’s time to grow up. You can’t be too selfish and expect everyone to be by your side, you can’t afford to be self-centered and expect people to treat you the way you treat them. You mustn’t be too fragile to face obstacles and failures as you grow up. 

Change, I like changes. I just need some time to figure how things work.