"Thank you for caring for me."
This has to be the nicest thing someone has ever said to me for today

Simple To Be Happy

Some simple, intricate things that can make me happy at the moment:

1. A good loyal mug of coffee or milo without hyperventilating metaphorically to chase after time for hospital attachments. 

2. A good 24 hour of outing-free, nothing but just lazing around on my bed stoning with dramas of my preference. 

3. Decent book, those which I can flip physically and not any dodgy eBook of Nicolas Sparks or James Patterson.

4. Internal peace of mind which I'm lacking and desperate for it. 

5. Reminders from a friend or two as I'm constantly taking them for granted that they never care. 

6. Not to worry and be concerned of financial status, highly impossible but I would love to someday in the near future. 

7. Fruitful conversation with a close friend from a different field, which reminds me how much I've miss my American friend. 

8. Sleep. Deep adequate, serene and quiet sleep is all I need, with no aid from sedatives or drugs. 

9. Knowing that the ones I care for are happy, my brother told me this.

Escaping From A Whirlpool

I get a lot of thinking, all which are superfluous, gratuitous and optionally redundant at times. I don’t need a permanent hobby to get rid of all these cynical and sardonic mind-boggling thoughts, unless I’m really incapable of sorting out what’s right [which is what to be typical] then I would seek for advice from a friend or two. More than any other phrase I seldom go on plaintively text or whisper over a phone line as I begin to figure out my way through a baffling maze between denial and what is right. 

“You are what others say you are.” How often do you find this true?

A constant grueling as people say that me, myself and I am the core causative agent to my problems. Periodically, that is what you get when someone loose their trust in you. They put no confidence in every decision you make, no respect at all in your stand and what’s painful is that they will never be able to understand how things go through your lenses. It took a fetus a long time to finally grow into a proper child and through nurturing and growth to be an adolescent and because of one unresolved matter; all the trust just shatters away as though it was never there. Everyone deserves a second chance, I was given one; but what is the point of actually forgiving and putting what lies in the past when people are still revolving it constantly, reminding a painful incident that might still traumatize you as if the sin is not obvious enough for you to bear? 

Why am I so weak in this whirlpool?

At present, what is best is to strive to not cause any problem to anyone because I myself am a problem to what is reverberating around my diameter; and to just be a little patient just so that I don’t break down.

Please be patient my brother, I know that you have the greatest heart to help. In fact you have helped more than anyone else. 

Bonsai Talk

I wasn’t sure what it was; but you seemed to know what I’ve been going through one way or another. On and off I still question; maybe that’s what siblings really can do? It was tormenting hiding things and simultaneously lying to someone whom you care so much just because you don’t want to create anymore problem to them. I feel selfish because I refuse to accept others’ selfishness and engaging in destructive actions by attributing it to the darkness within themselves. I cannot bear the fact that those whom I care are plunged into suffering alone. Constantly having in mind that I owe people too much because of what others’ have done to me. 

The sense of guilt was killing me the other day; I thought that I was strong enough to handle it. I would only lie to protect those who I care, silence would work perfectly fine but it is definitely not permanent. Reverberating and as tumultuous as it applauses in my mind trying all sorts of excuses to cover up everything. It makes you self-indulgent, very much aware that what you’re doing is entirely wrong and monster is who you really are. It was hurtful and difficult I tell you. 

To have someone to support and trust you in any situation is the greatest blessing of all, as I believe so. You are cognizant and you’ve always been wondering whether you’re a burden to them or not because you just could not bear the fact of loosing them any sooner. Paranoia or maybe haunted by the past I admit. The fact that I have a brother to be there for me when I need support the most is more than I can ever thank for. Sorry for not trusting you when you trust me the most. 

Looser

Crossing the skies between Volgograd - Moscow - Hong Kong - Kuala Lumpur - Kuching

When I say that I’m tired, I really meant it. Is it an iniquity trying to give up? You just feel that the mile is unduly long and seemingly endless for you to take another step forward because all the motivation and spur has been utterly drawn out, leaving you exhausted and haggard. 

At times like this, it’s easier to just escape into your own utopia though it lasts temporary rather than to face reality and go against others’. When the time has come, I’ll just stop fighting because I’m done with this constant battle.

Raspberry Cheese Cake

I enjoy the process of meticulously planning something for someone, but ironically not just arbitrarily anyone. It’s exciting even though it is fraught with stress and you’re constantly apprehensive that it might not turn out as you had initially expected (Ask Catherine about how deftly my anxiety escalates throughout the day thinking about baking a cheese cake for my brother). I wasn’t doubting the dexterity and handiness of my good friend, it’s simply lack of confidence baking my very first virgin cake for someone who is capable of making me an ice-cream cake during my recent birthday. Hence, the pressure blistering from within. 

Never knew that simple steps require such intricate touches and measurements, I thank God for technology as tiny blocks of cream cheese were added one at a time into the mixture bowl. Mixing them with midget-sized effort, movement control and a little nag from my friend as I slowly pace my way towards the so-called perfect cake. Blended some fresh raspberries from a local market as toping because I insisted on using fresh ones. 

My plans didn’t turn out to be perfectly well; it got a little haywire in the midst of it. Not entirely upset but just somehow disappointed that my plans didn’t work out as expected. That’s the downfall of surprises, because you can never expect how their reaction would be. Calmed myself down in solitude as I waited in one of the empty halls where we used to study together but apparently he doesn’t show up. Who am I supposed to blame? Definitely not my brother as he knew nil about this cake that I had prepared specially for him, noticed that it’s always a struggle for me not to condemn and blame others when it has always been my own fault in the first place. 

In the end, I sliced out two pieces delicately, striving not to ruin its appearance and place them silently in Tupperware container with a lousy written letter on his pre-30 day birthday. I admitted that it was indubitably and gravely written with a quarter rage and pique. Sigh

Never knew that baking a cake can cause myself to experience a turmoil of emotions of bitter and sweet. Interesting.