I wasn’t sure what it was; but you seemed to know what I’ve been going through one way or another. On and off I still question; maybe that’s what siblings really can do? It was tormenting hiding things and simultaneously lying to someone whom you care so much just because you don’t want to create anymore problem to them. I feel selfish because I refuse to accept others’ selfishness and engaging in destructive actions by attributing it to the darkness within themselves. I cannot bear the fact that those whom I care are plunged into suffering alone. Constantly having in mind that I owe people too much because of what others’ have done to me.
The sense of guilt was killing me the other day; I thought that I was strong enough to handle it. I would only lie to protect those who I care, silence would work perfectly fine but it is definitely not permanent. Reverberating and as tumultuous as it applauses in my mind trying all sorts of excuses to cover up everything. It makes you self-indulgent, very much aware that what you’re doing is entirely wrong and monster is who you really are. It was hurtful and difficult I tell you.
To have someone to support and trust you in any situation is the greatest blessing of all, as I believe so. You are cognizant and you’ve always been wondering whether you’re a burden to them or not because you just could not bear the fact of loosing them any sooner. Paranoia or maybe haunted by the past I admit. The fact that I have a brother to be there for me when I need support the most is more than I can ever thank for. Sorry for not trusting you when you trust me the most.
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