MN Teaser 12

Spent 3 days of hand drawing, recording and editing on this video with a really awesome media buddy, for the recent Malaysian Night 2012. 

独处

“独处，也是一种成长过程。要学会如何独处，同时也要学会如何与人相处。” 

好友的一番话。 

看来是时候习惯自己一个人了。不想习惯有人陪，因为要是习惯有人陪；就会担心有一天可能会失去那个人。如果不去拥有，就不用想念，想念是很痛苦的。

Stroll Companion

Americano

Kid & pizza

Margarita

Pasta

Chicken chop

Best companion

Took a Saturday night stroll to clear my mind off things and ended up with a dinner with two of my best buddies, guess these are the people I turn to the most when I need to lash out some riotous, gibberish thoughts bugging my mind. Funny how people can accept my weirdness in certain ways, makes me realised that there are some people worth caring for.

An end to weeks of streaks of colloquiums and tests. Now to rest and trying to be a normal kid. Weeks of emotional train wreck until I can merely restore myself to trust the same person ever again because in the end, all you think is the immense regret that you're dealing with.

Words are too cheap, all the bullshit and false hopes. Pizza and pastas are worth more.      

"Thank you for caring for me."
This has to be the nicest thing someone has ever said to me for today

Simple To Be Happy

Some simple, intricate things that can make me happy at the moment:

1. A good loyal mug of coffee or milo without hyperventilating metaphorically to chase after time for hospital attachments. 

2. A good 24 hour of outing-free, nothing but just lazing around on my bed stoning with dramas of my preference. 

3. Decent book, those which I can flip physically and not any dodgy eBook of Nicolas Sparks or James Patterson.

4. Internal peace of mind which I'm lacking and desperate for it. 

5. Reminders from a friend or two as I'm constantly taking them for granted that they never care. 

6. Not to worry and be concerned of financial status, highly impossible but I would love to someday in the near future. 

7. Fruitful conversation with a close friend from a different field, which reminds me how much I've miss my American friend. 

8. Sleep. Deep adequate, serene and quiet sleep is all I need, with no aid from sedatives or drugs. 

9. Knowing that the ones I care for are happy, my brother told me this.

Escaping From A Whirlpool

I get a lot of thinking, all which are superfluous, gratuitous and optionally redundant at times. I don’t need a permanent hobby to get rid of all these cynical and sardonic mind-boggling thoughts, unless I’m really incapable of sorting out what’s right [which is what to be typical] then I would seek for advice from a friend or two. More than any other phrase I seldom go on plaintively text or whisper over a phone line as I begin to figure out my way through a baffling maze between denial and what is right. 

“You are what others say you are.” How often do you find this true?

A constant grueling as people say that me, myself and I am the core causative agent to my problems. Periodically, that is what you get when someone loose their trust in you. They put no confidence in every decision you make, no respect at all in your stand and what’s painful is that they will never be able to understand how things go through your lenses. It took a fetus a long time to finally grow into a proper child and through nurturing and growth to be an adolescent and because of one unresolved matter; all the trust just shatters away as though it was never there. Everyone deserves a second chance, I was given one; but what is the point of actually forgiving and putting what lies in the past when people are still revolving it constantly, reminding a painful incident that might still traumatize you as if the sin is not obvious enough for you to bear? 

Why am I so weak in this whirlpool?

At present, what is best is to strive to not cause any problem to anyone because I myself am a problem to what is reverberating around my diameter; and to just be a little patient just so that I don’t break down.

Please be patient my brother, I know that you have the greatest heart to help. In fact you have helped more than anyone else. 

Bonsai Talk

I wasn’t sure what it was; but you seemed to know what I’ve been going through one way or another. On and off I still question; maybe that’s what siblings really can do? It was tormenting hiding things and simultaneously lying to someone whom you care so much just because you don’t want to create anymore problem to them. I feel selfish because I refuse to accept others’ selfishness and engaging in destructive actions by attributing it to the darkness within themselves. I cannot bear the fact that those whom I care are plunged into suffering alone. Constantly having in mind that I owe people too much because of what others’ have done to me. 

The sense of guilt was killing me the other day; I thought that I was strong enough to handle it. I would only lie to protect those who I care, silence would work perfectly fine but it is definitely not permanent. Reverberating and as tumultuous as it applauses in my mind trying all sorts of excuses to cover up everything. It makes you self-indulgent, very much aware that what you’re doing is entirely wrong and monster is who you really are. It was hurtful and difficult I tell you. 

To have someone to support and trust you in any situation is the greatest blessing of all, as I believe so. You are cognizant and you’ve always been wondering whether you’re a burden to them or not because you just could not bear the fact of loosing them any sooner. Paranoia or maybe haunted by the past I admit. The fact that I have a brother to be there for me when I need support the most is more than I can ever thank for. Sorry for not trusting you when you trust me the most. 

Looser

Crossing the skies between Volgograd - Moscow - Hong Kong - Kuala Lumpur - Kuching

When I say that I’m tired, I really meant it. Is it an iniquity trying to give up? You just feel that the mile is unduly long and seemingly endless for you to take another step forward because all the motivation and spur has been utterly drawn out, leaving you exhausted and haggard. 

At times like this, it’s easier to just escape into your own utopia though it lasts temporary rather than to face reality and go against others’. When the time has come, I’ll just stop fighting because I’m done with this constant battle.

Raspberry Cheese Cake

I enjoy the process of meticulously planning something for someone, but ironically not just arbitrarily anyone. It’s exciting even though it is fraught with stress and you’re constantly apprehensive that it might not turn out as you had initially expected (Ask Catherine about how deftly my anxiety escalates throughout the day thinking about baking a cheese cake for my brother). I wasn’t doubting the dexterity and handiness of my good friend, it’s simply lack of confidence baking my very first virgin cake for someone who is capable of making me an ice-cream cake during my recent birthday. Hence, the pressure blistering from within. 

Never knew that simple steps require such intricate touches and measurements, I thank God for technology as tiny blocks of cream cheese were added one at a time into the mixture bowl. Mixing them with midget-sized effort, movement control and a little nag from my friend as I slowly pace my way towards the so-called perfect cake. Blended some fresh raspberries from a local market as toping because I insisted on using fresh ones. 

My plans didn’t turn out to be perfectly well; it got a little haywire in the midst of it. Not entirely upset but just somehow disappointed that my plans didn’t work out as expected. That’s the downfall of surprises, because you can never expect how their reaction would be. Calmed myself down in solitude as I waited in one of the empty halls where we used to study together but apparently he doesn’t show up. Who am I supposed to blame? Definitely not my brother as he knew nil about this cake that I had prepared specially for him, noticed that it’s always a struggle for me not to condemn and blame others when it has always been my own fault in the first place. 

In the end, I sliced out two pieces delicately, striving not to ruin its appearance and place them silently in Tupperware container with a lousy written letter on his pre-30 day birthday. I admitted that it was indubitably and gravely written with a quarter rage and pique. Sigh

Never knew that baking a cake can cause myself to experience a turmoil of emotions of bitter and sweet. Interesting.

This has to be the sweetest text Michael Chia has ever sent to me

Your Cheating Pit Hole

Pre finals exam table accompanied by my room mate's pile of books

One can cheat through simple tests, exams, maybe if you consider yourself as a professional shameless cheater you might even pull your way through finals. You prepare yourself with a hell load of perspiration because you’re constantly worriedly conscious that you might get caught, all your wasted adrenaline instead of using to cram your books are erroneously utilized for cheating, you mentally abuse the great invention of daily technology today, you go against your own honesty and yet feeling great about yourself just because what you obtain is not what you deserve. 

Yet at the end of the day, you declare your glory just to gain admiration and awe from your so-called fellow followers who innocently respect and approve you for your granted mock-up triumph. Disgusting! 

Apparently not everyone can go against their honesty and those who are honest often find themselves discouraged to strive for something that can be easily achieved through incongruous, blatantly shameless, ingenious methods. 

Such a pathetic and sad pandemic.

Whatever it is, it will bring you no where further than your own shameful pit hole.

Hold Onto You

Cup that was given by Mike & Eelin,
I painted it with a phrase "I Love Awesome People"

There's always that few people in life that will make your life worth living for; 

hold onto them even if you're not sure how long they can hold onto you.

Sun Loves Biochemistry

Source of the things that motivated me:
Chrysanthemum tea made by Andongni
A prayer given by Catherine
Rabbit origami by Fiona
and the blazing summer sun

Exams, I cannot imagine how did I managed to cram the entire two semesters of Biochemistry into this filthy brain of mine; I don’t hate the subject just that it’s really tiring and straining to fully digest all these processes. Between glycolysis, glycogenolysis, gluconeogenesis… their cycles and structures are sufficient to terminate brain function. I was at the lowest peak of time for the entire week preparing for Biochemistry because I am not as ‘lucky’ as most people with insanely excellent class mark, no comments on that. 

Sometimes I wonder what is the point of studying if my class mark is impossible to get me a place of getting a 5 for a certain subject compared to those who ‘somehow’ managed to get their way through an average 90 and above for class mark. It’s discouraging; this system is entirely doltish and obtuse. People like it because they won’t flunk during exams but it does not entirely measure a students’ capability. My seniors have always been reminding me to study for your own sake and not others, it’s pressuring when people encourages me especially at some point when I am cognizant that I cannot achieve the target just because I do not want to let people down. Maybe our Malaysian education system has educated me to a level, which molded my mindset to a certain extend as a whole. 

Never learn, never grow.

Studying alone is a tough thing to do; serious studying makes me tired and unmotivated when I’m not around with people. My emotions fluctuate a lot sometimes when my roommate didn’t have the time to accompany me, proves how pathetically dependent I am towards people. Something that I really need to alter or else it will really ruin my study-mood. 

One last subject this Friday, Physiology. Hopefully there’s something for me to look forward to after finals.

Hitler Over Afternoon

Hot cocoa and marshmallows

Waffle in strawberry sauce and ice cream

I had a decent afternoon conversation, more of a formal confabulation with a best friend of mine at a nearby café’ just after Physiology. A mutual talk over a cup of hot cocoa soaked in semi-dissolved marshmallows, definitely not the best description but I should bother less about it. Nonetheless I was never meant to be a food critic of a food blogger like those that typically spread throughout the internet capturing every single mouth-watering orgasmic food photography that drives me insane especially when I take my half an hour study break past midnight.

I told Mike that I was Hitler within me, I partially posses the inane, schizophrenic, deranged of this icon. Adolf Hitler was known due to all the unforgivable, unfathomable evil he has caused during World War II, but let’s all put that aside. He isn’t entirely bad, and when I mention this; it does not mean that I am a Nazi supporter of any kind. Somehow I just noticed the infinitesimal resemblance in character between him and I. Hitler has always tried to make everyone the same, Arian. Which would create unity among his followers. But, he went about doing the wrong way. He found a great if not horrific form of population control.

Which is why I mentioned to Mike the other day, I simply cannot comprehend when it comes to dealing with people of different thinking and mindsets. Yes, I appreciate the entire diversity of a new spectrum, creativity and innovative thoughts that will flourish and nourish our hard-to-grasp future. But if it lies parallel to ‘my’ thinking, I simply relish you because you are better than me, little less of an idol but you will eventually gain my respect. But what if your opinions and outlooks totally diverged and it does not interlinked with my concept? You see the point where it drives me mad? That’s the exact point.

I cannot accept the fact that people have a mindset worst than a cow. Maybe that sounded a little rude, I shall rephrase. I am unable to tolerate with mindsets different from mind, and I will strive my very best to convince them and prove to them that they are wrong subconsciously after a series of debates which normally ended fast because I do not find them easy to obtain my thoughts. Just like Hitler, he believed that his master Aryan race needed to conquer all other races/sub-species of humans that he felt were impure as well as non-master race quality humans of the caucasoid sub-species. I just want people to think like me, not entirely or else it will be chaos but on the same side, as humans and not as cows.

Maybe I should start building real relationships with people and attempt to mold, shape, create them the way I want them to be; which is something that I sublimely do out of control and eventually drives people away. I assumed that it will occur that way, hence the best solution is to stick to my own sole island and travel across countries that have the same protocols as I have and build a nation across my own solid mind, deliberately.

We Run, We Hide, We Explode

The cycle of escapism; it’s blissful and easy to tackle, like riding a tricycle without even bothering whether you will stumble or fall because there is a solid support. It may bring joy for a short period of time but one will never actually experience the pain of falling and won’t be able to really cycle on an archetypal bicycle. We were young that time, normally it is our dads that obliged their sons or daughters to take the wheel and climb onto that so-called pseudo fun looking bicycle and once we start falling, we wail and grunt and cry like a brat. There was not much of as escape when we haven’t surpassed adolescent without the slightest knowledge of rebellion. All in all, it was as a matter of fact a good thing due to the fact that we are actually facing reality and not finding any hole to escape from it. No vents were invented when we were 6 or 7 (I started cycling at that age, or was it earlier?) 

Afternoon sushi session with the close ones

What about now? We tend to escape from reality, all of us have the desire to do so no matter how much good we posses. There are times where we prefer to pretend that the problem does not even exist when in fact, is bigger than an actual person standing and stunted in front of our face. It does not make us any coward; we’re just fragile and paranoid to face any pain or agony that might come in our way. We turn to bad habits because they allow us to forget. Escaping gives us a pleasurable sensation that pushes problems out of our minds. However, they downfall of this solution is that it’s only temporary. Soon it will wear off and the problem will still remain static, often made worse by our self-indulgence. Once again, the cycle repeats only that this time, the after effect is snowballed. We feel pain each time we face reality so we dig out own gap or desperately find any leak just so that we can escape which only increases our pain. It feels impossible to get out once you are caught in the whirlpool of escapism. 

Ice-cream cake made by a close friend of mine on my birthday, and yes.. it's written as Ian. 

We explode, letting our emotions take control over us. We say hurtful things just to please ourselves and make us feel better not knowing that it carries an even worse effect to the people around us. You feel like quitting and giving up on every single thing just to make an ultimate gate-away from all that is hassling, but by the wrong intentions it will only bring more hurt, more pain and the problem still remains. Writing this because I myself enjoy escaping, however there is more that is than escaping; is to witness others’ escape and yet I can’t do anything about it.

Dandelion Says

We don't lose friends. 

 We just learn who our real ones are.

Pseudo

When did people in this world become so fake and superficial? Is it due to aging and growth, we began loosing the innocence that we used to posses when we were young? Or is it really because we are adapting into an entire new spectrum of pseudo effect as we mingle in different societies, blending in people from all walks of life and the sole and only way to fit in is to have a mask suspended over our face just to ensure what stays on the external layer remains how it is. 

All the petty talks, trifling and piddling all over as we communicate between one another, seriously do all have to begin with all of these that obvious plays zero significance or whatsoever. We know that you clearly don’t meant what to say but you just say it for the sake of it. Such grimacing act, superficial and shallow I find them. Maybe you say that it’s for the sake of courtesy, may be…. But entirely redundant.

1Malaysia BBQ

A real '1Malaysia' barbecue indeed I had together with my close friends and a portion of my other batch mates, apparently Eelin's decision to gather more people to expand our social circle. Are we really afraid of mingling with people of different skin tone, race and religion? I am not ashamed to admit that, before I get into any relationship with a person of different background from me; there has to be a filtration process by which I ensure that they can fully accept the ‘dark side’ of me. That is what I normally label it.

I've been too lazy to update on most of the happenings in the present; I blame on my deteriorating English, blame on monotonous things which I think of all the time, same thing, same issue with no solution because my life is that monotonous and meaningless at the present. Literally nothing to look forward to.

Supposed to be a jolly post, I played dodge ball by the way. 

不要过分在乎身边的人，也不要刻意去在意他人的事。在这世上，总会有人让你悲伤、让你嫉妒、让你咬牙切齿。并不是他们有多坏，而是因为你很在乎。所以想心安，首先就要不在乎。你对事不在乎，它就伤害不到你；你对人不在乎，他就不会令你生气。在乎了，你就已经输了。什么都不在乎的人，才是无敌的。

Don't Expect Things To Be Like Tulips

The thing about spring is the sun, tulips and having leisure, unpremeditated walks just to clear off one’s mind. Often I find myself being too bothered at things that are unrelated to myself but somehow my tedious over working brain may eventually relate a string or two. Wouldn’t it be nice to stop wondering too much? It’s as if I need to remind myself constantly in every single blog post for no particular reason or just because I fail to face the fact and I am not willing to admit that I’m a total wreck in dealing with my inner alter ego. I clandestinely wonder whether I am submissive to mild bipolar disease or not, just because I cannot identify myself at times.

So what if things are not similar to how I expected them to be? I've always assumed that self-proclaimed assumptions may not vary to an extend beyond my tolerance but apparently they DO sometimes. It's my decision, nothing to regret about. 

No regrets, just not as I had expected things to be. Out of reach, out of presumption. I guess it's time for me to swallow most of the things down, bitter or sweet. 

Espresso, Alcohol, You

I enjoy observing expressions, especially those ingenuous, undisputed, genuine facial articulations written on their faces. Noticed how I love taking candid photographs that normally irritate people to a certain extend? I just love preserving that “exact” split microseconds of memories; and these memories will be those that are worth a lifetime. 

I just turned 21 a couple of days ago; I was attempted to blog exactly on that day or at least attempt some alterations on my blog setting just so that I can have the exact dame date as I age a year older. Fraud much? I can never comprehend the amazing, genius minds of an author, how can they suppress and express their ideas when their grey matters are strike by a dash of inspiration and overflowing ideas to write? For my case, I fail to do so; hence the more I blog, the more words I use, the more thoughts are crammed, which clearly explains why I’m in med school instead of striving my arse in a battle of Fine Arts.

A simple dinner in a new restaurant in a circumference of where I previously stay with a group of people I love. I'm grateful for the care and love I share with them.