Open Up

I am cognizant of the fact that I had been putting on a translucent mask over my countenance for the past years. I am being assiduous and meticulous not to reveal the weakest side of my true character. Maybe it is because I am raised as a single child without any siblings and the intense pressure from parents or people from all walks of life around me, thus I always attempt to be the best in most aspects in order to satisfy them. I must admit the effort of being determined and resilient is certainly not my own complacency.

I’m in an appalling predicament whereby all the problems and trouble eventually emerged from the abyss. Is this one of God’s challenge to me as a noble Christian to test whether I am capable to loop over hurdles and obstacles from my archetypal life? Prayer heals spiritually but I doubt that I am strong enough to face all this. Facing the circumstances ahead of me has definitely made me weaker, both physically and mentally. But I still persist on my temporary act by putting on a mask in front of everybody; my life is akin to a drama or theater. I must admit that I simply couldn’t face my own weaknesses yet I utter to myself that I have to show to people around me that I am strong and independent of solving my own issues. Realizing the reality of myself growing up alone amended me into an individual who lives more of an extrovert.

Friends are usually deceived by my strong and resilient side, always seeking me for advice and guidance to their troubles. Unnoticed, I faced a dead end myself if I come across my personal problems. They seemed to grow and intensifies as I burry the deeply in my heart’s core, I was too feeble to reveal them. I rarely seek help from others; I always believe that if I do so it may give others an impression that I am an individual who is weak and fragile. Hence, my friends barely had any worries about me. Even if they do realise my sudden change in attitude, I would hide my somber demeanor a pretend as if nothing had happened. I live my life as a hypocrite.

People changed and they don’t seem to care or be concerned about my problems. I didn’t blame those who used to concern about my problems in the past; they have their own life circles and it is inevitable that every individual changes with time. I cannot simply rely on others to solve or listen to my ranting and worries all the time. Thus I convinced myself to be strong even though it is an endless displacement ahead of me; I cannot face another saddening loss. Perhaps it is the time I learn to grow up independently?

I expressed my greatest gratitude to someone who holds up to me, giving me hope and support as I walk along the journey of my life. I may appear to be a tiny, itty-bitty insignificant person to him but to me; I honestly look upon him as my very own big brother and most importantly a true friend. I had already lost two very important people whom I trust the most and showed heed to my problems. The pain is inexorable but nothing can be done, they only live in precedent now. I came to a decision to live my life truthfully, taking off the bogus mask I had on for many years and stop pretending to be what I used to be in the past. Here is a quote that he gave me:

Revealing your feeling is the beginning of healing. Hiding your hurt only intensifies it. Problems grow in the dark and become bigger and bigger, but when exposed to the light of truth, they shrink. You are only as sick as your secrets. So take off your masks, stop pretending you’re perfect and walk into freedom.