Crap Confession

I felt a sudden sentiment of betrayal with a fusion of melancholy tone, not because I am being betrayed but psychologically the feeling evoked abruptly beyond my controls and it is simply difficult for me to elucidate.

I have a particular social circle with a group of great loyal friends. I must admit… I treat people by the way they treated me. I am cognizant that being close or even by knowing a person is already considered a gift, regardless of whether the person treated you the way you treated them. However, I consider myself as an individual who owns a vastly complicated mind compared to normal people from all walks of life. I do care how people place me through their eyes. Is it a typical street guy? Or someone truly significant? Maybe just a normal friend or acquaintance? Perhaps a loyal, special friend to be remembered for life?

People might think that I squander all my leisure time thinking about unnecessary things which may only lead to an extreme complexity to a human’s mental state. In other words, I maybe end up insane or suffering from psychotherapeutic illness. All the crap I supposed. I rebuff that and I am conscious of the way I see things. Nevertheless, I made up a conclusion to keep a distance from people around me. Consider it a gaffe or sage move? I may be a hypocrite, unable to face the somber and grief that some friends may leave and forget me someday. Thus, by keeping a certain distance with them the pain may be alleviated. Logical rationality? I have my own reasons…

I don’t mind if I appear to be someone insignificant through a person. The phrase seemed deceiving and again it reveals the hypocrisy in me. Honestly, I do mind. I share everything with someone whom I treated as a true and great friend by assuming that I may be someone special in their hearts. Sadly, I don’t. I might only appear to be someone who appears only when there is trouble and sooner or later fades away – like the rain. I am aware that this is my own fault to develop such sensitivity and complexity that I care too much about how others look at me…perhaps? I feel a sudden sense of betrayal, yet I am not betrayed…only that I treated someone as a true friend and in return I am insignificant or appear as an ordinary being in a mundane society. Again… I hid my disappointment in the abyss.

I don’t have intention to blame anyone…but frankly my feelings and the way I treat them will change. Who was betraying me anyway? Myself. I shall only put on a wistful smile.